The Lich Kings Guide to the Universe
by Lord22
Summary: Jaina Proudmoore was once just your average faction leader. But when her ex fiancee shows up with a warning about the end of the world, she is thrust into a Galaxy full of psyonic aliens, and psychotic hive minds. Oh and there is an entirely new race of humans walking about. Oh, and then there is this Dark Voice jackass, who seems intent on... something.
1. Morning routine

This is a fanfiction idea I have had for a while. Feel free to comment.

**The Lich Kings Guide to the Universe:**

**Chapter One:**

Jaina Proudmoore awoke one morning with all the enthuisiasm and energy that usually gripped her in the mornings, which is to say none. She got sluggishly out of her bed, brushing her long, golden hair out from in front of her eyes and walking tiredly over to her mirror, where she set about preparing for the day. Once her straight blonde mane was properly straightened, she dressed herself in her normal clothes. That is, a low cut white shirt, that clung her curvaceous form a bit more than was entirely necassary, and a violet skirt. Still half asleep she made a noted to have the person responsible for the latest female fashion trends shot a the next opportunity.

It was only once she had rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and prepared for a day of paperwork, and desperately trying to defend the failing faction relations from a horde of idiots, that she noticed something out of the ordinary.

There was a roaring sound outside her window, seeming rather familiar, though she could not quite remember in her sleepy state what it meant. Still, looking out from the window with bleary eyes allowed her to see the source, a massive Horde of green skinned orcs just outside her city walls.

Most of them were carrying axes, though some were also wielding various swords. She wondered why they would need those, especially since they weren't wood axes, and they were clearly cutting down tree's with their axes. Silly orcs, didn't they know those belonged to her city. She made a mental note to complain to Thrall about...

Wait.

Thrall wasn't Warchief anymore. That was right, he had given the role over to Garrosh Hellscream...

...

Ten minutes later, after singlehandedly deflecting the Hordes initial assault on her walls with a flurry of deadly spells of both fire and ice. Jaina Proudmoore stood directly in front of Garrosh Hellscream, the new Warchief of the Horde, in parley.

"You know Garrosh." she said in a tired tone as she leaned on her white wood staff. "Your generally supposed to wait until **after **a declaration of war to attack a neutral city."

"Horde science sneers at the international rules of war." was Garrosh' response.

"One, there is no such thing as Horde science, the best you can do is copy Alliance tech. Two, How the hell did you even manage to become Warchief?" Jaina asked him in curiousity.

"Thrall randomly decided to become a hermit, and gave me the job."

"...Why?"

"Something to do with Deathwing, I don't really think anyone cares at this point though."

"Ah." she said "So where is Cairne Bloodhoof? Shouldn't he be leading the Tauren here?"

"Well, he's about a hundred miles west of here, and six feet underground." said Garrosh, twirling his battleaxe with gusto.

"Damn" she said "So that's one more hero of the third war uncerimoniously murdered by an insane blizzard."

"Actually I put an axe in his chest. Snowfall had nothing to do with it." replied the Warchief in a proud tone.

Jaina sighed "You know, I really should be swearing vengeance or something, but I honestly stopped caring a while ago."

"So that means I'll get off scot free then."

"Assuming that Thrall doesn't turn into a living black hole, and completely destroy the universes integrity, then yes you probably will get away with it." she leaned against the wall nearest to the audience who were watching from the walls of Theramore.

There was a pause.

"That was a rather odd hypothetical don't you think."

"Yeah, it was now that I think of it." said Jaina "I'm still kind of waking up here."

"In any case are you going to surrender or do I get to burn down your city." said Garrosh "Please tell me your not going to surrender. I've always wanted to set this place on fire."

"How about I give you a counterpreposal." said Jaina dryly "You leave right now, and I'll consider not smashing your so called army into a thousand and send you packing back to Ogrimmer in humiliating defeat."

"Big talk from someone outnumbered ten to one." replied the Warchief.

"Numbers have nothing to do with it." said Jaina bluntly "I can unmake reality to fit my will. You are what, a master at hitting people with sharp objects. Your not a threat. At all. I've got nothing to worry about."

"Is that why you've spent the entiriety of the last seven, weeping over your ex boyfriend who dumped you for a magical runeblade."

Jaina stood there, in utter silence as she realized what had happened.

She had just been burned by Garrosh Hellscream.

**She had just been burned by Garrosh Hellscream.**

"Well that's hardly fair." came a sardonic voice "I wasn't the one who chickened out at Stratholme."

They looked over to see Arthas Menethil standing casually to one side, with a very much intact Frostmourne. His white hair was a bit shorter, and his pale skin looked more alive, but other than that he was fully intact. He wore black armor, and held himself in his usual arrogant fashion.

** SHE HAD JUST BEEN BURNED BY GARROSH HELLSCREAM!**

Oh sure, Arthas Menethil, Lich King of the Scourge coming back was notable, but it paled in comparison to what had immidiatly proceeded it. She stood there, stock still, as the Orcish Warchief glanced over at Arthas.

"I thought you got killed by Tirion Fordring." said Garrosh.

"Alliance propaganda." said Arthas with a shrug.

"Figures." responded Garrosh "So, is it true you slaughtered the entirety of Lordaeron?"

"Technically I gave them all the chance to surrender or die."

"But you did kill them all." said Garrosh.

"Oh yeah." said Arthas "Nobody ever surrendered."

"Nice."

Finally somewhat recovered Jaina was able to move on to the next thing of importance. "Wha... I... YOU WERE REPORTED DEAD!"

"Like I said." replied Arthas with a shrug "Alliance propoganda. Nice to see you again Jaina."

"How does that even cover this situation." she snapped "It isn't as if-"

"No time for that." said Arthas waving off her question with one hand "We need to go to a bar. Your going to want a drink when you hear what I have to say."

Jaina finally managed to regain her composure. "But shouldn't I inform Stormwind of your..."

"Don't bother it'll be a moot point in a bit anyway."

She stared at him uncomprehendingly.

He sighed and explained "I'm very sorry Jaina, but I'm afraid the world is about to end."

...

**Authors Note: **Well, here we go. I've finally moved this fanfic to the Crossover section. At the same time, I have been making an effort to improve the previous chapters, so that they are up to current standards. Enjoy!

Oh and in case you haven't figured it out by now this is inspired by a certain popular sci fi comedy book.


	2. Just another day at the office

**The Lich Kings Guide the Universe:**

The _Split Keg_ was a normal enough bar in Theramore. Founded by the war veteran John Ashwood, it was known for serving all manner of patrons. It was frequented by elves, Dwarves, and men, and the occasional Orc before the war.

John himself was a tawny haired man, originally from westfall. He had participated in the First, Second, and Third wars, before coming to Theramore to start a new life. In his life he had seen many strange things, and did not like to judge things by first glance. As such he frowned upon fighting in his bar, and many an unruly patron had been sent running for causing trouble.

Of course even he raised an eyebrow when Arthas Menethil and Jaina Proudmoore teleported in with one spell. Not that he got up from his chair, though as a commotion stirred up, he did reach for his gun.

"Oh my god it's the Lich King!" yelled one patron, drawing an axe as he and countless other patrons surrounded them. "He's holding Lady Jaina hostage! Kill him!"

"Wait! Don't attack!" said Jaina raising her hand in gesture of peace "He'll be leaving soon enough, he just has some information for me…" she gave the Lich King a sideways glance "…Which he insists we need to get over drinks. I don't know, I didn't quite get it."

There was a pause, in which Arthas waved to the patrons good-naturedly.

"Oh my god it's the Lich King!" cried the patrons "And Lady Jaina had fallen to the fell corruptions! Kill them both!"

"Ungrateful jerks." muttered Jaina, as everyone in the entire bar began drawing weapons, and converging on them as a roaring mob. Suddenly the sound of a gun being cocked echoed around the room, stopping everone in their tracks, as John Ashwood readied his rifle.

"Before you gentlemen start any trouble" he said in a polite tone "you should know that this weapon can fire fifteen shots in half a minute, and put a hole in a man from two thousand feet." he paused to cock it, and everyone flinched. "Now I don't like using it indoors, but I don't tolerate fighting. So sit down, and return to your cups, before things get ugly."

"…But he's the Lich King." said a Blood Elven woman amongst the crowd, brandishing her weapon.

"I don't care if he's Kil'jaeden the Deciever." replied Ashwood bluntly "I will not have patrons killing each other under my roof. Those are my rules, and if you want to take issue with my rules, you can take issue with me."

"Like you could stop me!" challenged the elf, while drawing forth an Elven blade, glowing with powerful magic "This is Quel'delar, re forged stronger to slay you! And I am it's chosen wielder! With this blade, I shall cut you down, butcher of Quel'thalas"

Arthas chuckled and hefted Frostmourne with a feral smile. "Feel free to give it a try, by the time I'm done, your race will finally have **real** a reason to call itself the Blood elves."

"DIE!" yelled the Elf, rushing forward, the Elven Blade of legend held high…

And then a gunshot rang out, and said Elven blade of legend exploded into a million pieces of twisted magical metal.

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear." said Ashwood, reloading his gun with a deathglare on his face.

"That…. but… how…" said the Elf.

"Contrary to popular belief, being ancient does not automatically make something useful." Ashwood replied, his eyes narrowed as he pointed it at her again. "Something you blood elves should have learned by now."

"Why are you helping him!?" asked the Elf desperately as she stepped back "He's EVIL!"

"Evil… Good…" replied Ashwood casually, pointing his weapon at her. "I'm the guy with the gun. **Get out!**"

The elf turned and ran away, and Ashwood watched her go with an impassive glare. After a moment, he turned to face the rest of the quivering crowd. "Anyone else." asked Ashwood pleasantly. When no one responded he smiled. "Good. Now if that's all, let's all get back to our business."

Everyone went back to their cups as they were told, while Arthas and Jaina moved over to the bar, where John greeted them.

"My apologies for that." said Ashwood politely to Arthas, putting down his gun. "People here are on edge, what with the war and all."

"I wouldn't worry. According to him, the worlds about to end, anyway." said Jaina.

"Ah, I take it your friend has been having some success in his chosen career then, then." said Ashwood, nodding to Arthas.

The Lich King narrowed his eyes in annoyance. "Why does everyone always assume I have something to do with the end of the world!?" he asked "Just because I'm the head of an army whose soul reason for existance is to wipe out all life doesn't mean..."

He trailed off. Jaina didn't say anything. She didn't need to.

"Good point." conceded Arthas after a moment.

"In any case, I suppose someone should do something about this whole destroy the world thing." said Ashwood nonchalantly.

"Yes, I think so too." said Jaina with a laugh. "After all, we live in it, don't we."

"…Since when did the inevitable destruction of the planet become something to be discussed in casual conversation?" asked Arthas in surprise, causing the two of them to look at him understandingly.

"You have to understand Arthas, we have to deal with Eldritch horrors that threaten to reduce us to weeping husks of terrified flesh every other day." replied Jaina. "You get kind of jaded after awhile. After a while a couple zombies stop actually scaring you, you know."

"So that's why no one took me seriously when I invaded." Arthas said, somewhat sadly, taking a swig of his cup, before sighing despondently.

"If it helps." said Ashwood, polishing a glass while looking up sympathetically. "My friends and I think the quality of the villains plummeted after you were defeated."

"It does, thanks." said Arthas.

"Not to get us back on track here." said Jaina, cutting in "But can we get back on track. What is this threat that you keep talking about, precisely."

"Oh, them." said Arthas, his demeanor brightening a bit "Well, they are a race of powerful psychic beings from beyond the stars. From what I know of them they communicate psychically, and wield powerful weapons capable of obliterating the surface of an entire world."

"Great. More eldritch abominations with no backstory. Fun."" said Jaina in a tired tone.

"Actually their not Eldritch abominations at all." said Arthas "From what I can gather, they developed a method of travel which allows them to move through the great dark beyond without magic. Quite handy, actually."

"But what are they called?"

He smiled knowingly "They call themselves the Protoss."

**END CHAPTER**

**Authors note:**

**YES!** I finally finished this damn chapter. It took me forever to figure out how to do this. Let me tell you, writing this sort of fic is really difficult at times.

The problem was that, while it will be a pretty lighthearted fic, I wanted to be able to have a story of sorts. And when you are balancing humor with story it get's rather difficult.

With any luck it will get easier as I write more.

Oh and I don't have anything against Quel'delar in particular. Originally it was going to be Shadowmourne, but I'm saving **that** one for Bolvar's folly.

**Authors Edit 3/35/2013: **Made a few changes to make things flow better, and added a bit of description here and there. A few grammar corrections as well.


	3. Factions and Fiction

**Chapter Three:**

Far above the planet Azeroth, a fleet of Golden ships, that would appear roughly shaped like great scarabs hovered in the blackness of space. There were twelve of them in total, and the were spread out over the entire upper atmosphere. From the bridge of the flagship Gantrithor, Executor Tassadar looked down upon the planet far below him with something akin the regret.

_"Is this truly necessary, Aldaris."_ he asked, his psionic voice carrying over to his commander though he did not turn to face him.

_"Of course Executor."_ came the Judicators reply behind him. _"Why else would the Conclave command that we destroy them."_

_"I know." _said Tassadar in a resigned tone _"Yet I must wonder why the Conclave has commanded as such. These creatures are not where near the Zerg's path. And they cannot threaten us with their level of technology"_

_"It is not a matter of what they are capable of, but of what they could do, Executor." _replied Aldaris with a shrug. _"This world is seeped in Dark Energy, and the Conclave believes that should they survive long enough to gain access to the space travel, that they shall be a threat to everything we hold dear. These are preventative measure."_

_"Preventative measures…"_ said Tassadar incredulously _"These creatures may well change for the better, with time. Who are we to destroy them with such reckless abandon."_

_"The Protoss, the chosen of the Xel'naga, the masters of the universe, and those who have remained faithful to he Khala."_ replied Aldaris with absolute conviction_ "The conclave has judged that these creatures are unworthy of life. As such they are."_

"_What reason could the conclave have for-"_

_"They developed weapons of mass destruction before long range communication."_ said Aldaris. _"We refuse to take any more chances."_

_"Oh."_ Tassadar paused to look at the world in question._ "Then I believe I see the conclaves point."_

_"You see."_ said Aldaris _"The conclave has guided the Protoss throughout countless centuries, and there is always wisdom in their decisions."_

_"Well I wouldn't go that far."_ said Tassadar _"I mean, everyone can make mistakes…"_

And then he stopped talking as Aldaris a blade of blue energy appeared in his hand, and put it to Tassadar's throat.

_"You were saying."_ he said pleasantly.

_"Uh… nothing Aldaris."_ said Tassadar wisely.

_"Excellent."_ said Aldaris removing the psi blade._ "Now is there anything else."_

_"...No."_ said Tassadar after a moment _"I suppose not. But it will take some time for the fleet to get into position."_

_"Very well."_ said Aldaris in a satisfied tone _"You may begin now."_

_"As you wish."_ said Tassadar, before turning back to his console, where he began to contact the other fleet captains.

...

"So what are we going to do about all this." asked Jaina as they left the bar.

"Flee the planet obviously." said Arthas as if it was the most obvious thing in the world "I've got everything all set up, by the time the Protoss start wiping out the planet, we can be long gone."

"Now hold on a moment!" said Jaina "We can't just leave Azeroth to burn, while we save ourselves."

Arthas looked at her strangely "Why not?"

"Because there millions of innocent people here!" she said.

There was silence for a moment. "Ha." said Arthas.

"What are you-?" began Jaina before she was cut off by Arthas breaking out into maniacal laughter. Several people in the street glanced over in confusion, before going back to work. Most had seen this sort of thing before. It wasn't destroying their sanity, so it wasn't that big of a deal.

Jaina narrowed her eyes "I was being serious."

"I know!" said Arthas, barely able to stand from laughing so hard "That's what makes it so funny! Good people… on Azeroth!" He burst out laughing again.

"Damn it Arthas!" she said "We have a duty to at least try to stop this."

"No we really don't."

"And what brings you to that conclusion?" asked Jaina, glaring at him.

"Well for my part, well... most of the people getting blown up are my enemies, so if anything it's my duty to let them burn." he replied "And as for you, you don't owe these people anything. You've spent the last seven years trying to make things better for people, and what's your thanks? Constant insults from Varian, people who never so much as **saw** a demon calling you traitor, and Thrall getting all the credit for what accomplishments you manage. They don't appreciate your efforts to keep this mud ball alive, so why should you die for their sake."

"They do appreciate it." maintained Jaina "They are just trying to do what they think is best for their people."

Arthas sniffed derisively "Please Jaina, your the only person who actually cares about the other races. Tyrande Whisperwind is an idiotic isolationist warmonger, while her husband is a stupid tree hugger, who firmly believes that fire and the wheel should never have been invented. Varian Wrynn is so caught up in his personal grudges that he refuses to even consider world ending threat a concern, while Thrall abandoned his responsibilities to go dance in a meadow somewhere. Garrosh Hellscream needs no explanation, nor does Sylvanas. And don't even get me started on Lorthe'mar Theron, AKA the most uninteresting faction leader in the history of the universe. With a very few exceptions every single person on this planet is a vain, self-centered monster who needs to die for the sake of everyone else in the universe. Why do you think I went omnicidal on them."

"You can run if you want." replied Jaina firmly "But I'm going to at least try to do something to save this world."

"Fine, do whatever you want." said Arthas with a dismissive wave "Actually, I'll tell you what. Find me one faction leader that is even remotely interested in the greater good, and I'll help you out. Fail, and we leave these pathetic fools to their well deserved destruction."

"Your on." she replied before teleporting to Stormwind with a flash of blue light.

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The Throne Room of King Varian Wrynn was an ornate one, and as she entered it several guards readied themselves for a possible invasion, only to relax as they saw her. Varian Wrynn sat in his throne, glancing over a few sheets of paper. As he saw her approach he looked up.

"Ah Jaina, what brings you-"

"No time for pleasantries, Varian." she said quickly "We have a huge problem."

"What seems to be the trouble. Is it the Horde?" said Varian eagerly.

"Actually no." said Jaina "It's something far worse than that."

"I find that difficult to believe." replied Varian bluntly.

"Believe it." shot back Jaina "There is an entire species of Psychic power houses far above this worlds surface, seeking to destroy every living thing in the world. I know it sounds crazy but-"

"I believe you." said Varian in total honesty.

"…Really." she said in surprise.

"Well yeah." said the King "We were running low on eldritch horrors, so it's only natural that we would have to deal with space aliens eventually. In fact, I prepared an entire plan for this possibility."

"Oh." she said gratefully "Well I suppose that mean I've won the bet-"

"Anduin!" said Varian to his son "Activate operation 'Destroy the Horde before the Psychic Aliens steal our kill', and make it fast we're on a timetable."

There was a long pause, before Jaina sighed. "…I fucking hate you. You know that right." she said.

"I know." replied Varian. "But I don't care what a mewling pacifist think-"

Jaina teleported to Ashenvale in disgust before he could finish his sentence.

...

The forest of Ashenvale was not as nice as it used to be, but it was still very beautiful, even for a forest. The ancient tree's rose high above the ground, their leaves shading everything beneath them. Malfurion Stormrage himself replied to her questions.

"This is indeed a very serious problem." said Malfurion Stormrage gravely "And something must be done."

"Excellent." said Jaina "I think we should get together all our spell casters and…"

"Not the Aliens!" said Malfurion angrily "Their plan to destroy all life **pales** in comparison to the heinousness of your crime!"

"What crime?" she said, incredulous.

"You teleported in here with Arcane magic." said Malfurion "That is much more important then something as petty as the world ending. **I banish you!**"

"But... the Night Elves have opened up schools for training people in Arcane magic five fucking weeks ago. Where do you get off judging me for it?!"

"I don't have to apply moral consistency to my arguments!" screamed Malfurion angrily "I have a green beard!"

"…You know what." she said after a moment "Illidan was right, you are an asshole." Without another word she teleported to Ironforge.

...

Deep within the stony fortress of the Dwarves, Jaina Proudmoore found herself disappointed, but not exactly surprised.

"I'm terribly sorry." said the Dwarven Steward to her "But we can't help you."

"Why the hell not?!" said Jaina, at her wits end. "This is important!"

"We know." But we need a King to give us orders." explained the Dwarf. "But Brann Bronzebeard is out exploring, and King Magni got turned to stone by a random diablos ex machina."

"What about Muradin?!" she asked, somewhat desperate.

"Oh, yeah…" said the Dwarf "Turns out that Muradin really did die in Northrend seven years ago. The 'Muradin' we found was actually an elaborate hoax, set up to take control of Ironforge by the Frostborn dwarves. We really should have seen that coming, all things considered. The idea of Muradin surviving in the freezing cold with a major bleeding chest wound is utterly absurd after all.""

"FUCK!" she screamed in anger, before teleporting to Gilneas.

...

Jaina Proudmoore honestly wished she could say that she was surprised and disappointed by the Worgen's reaction. Unfortunately she could not.

"Not my problem." said Genn Graymane with a shrug.

"Not your… THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END!" she screamed in anger. "If you don't help me, EVERYONE on Azeroth, YOURSELF INCLUDED! WILL! DIE! Do you understand what I'm telling you! Or are you so utterly stupid that you think you can survive the planets surface being reduced to ashes!"

"I'm fully aware of the consequences of my actions." said Genn "But I wouldn't want to ruin my reputation as a completely ungrateful son of a bitch."

"Aren't canines supposed to be loyal!" she screamed.

"No." said Graymane with a dark chuckle. "That's just dogs. Wolves eat babies, and don't give a fuck. Now get out my nation."

"AHHHHHHH!" Jaina screamed in frustration before teleporting away.

...

Jaina had gone to see Thrall. Sure he wasn't technically a faction leader, but his experience as a Shaman could be very useful in defending the planet.

"Yeah, I'm getting married." said Thrall.

"What?" said Jaina in complete deadpan.

"I said that I'm getting married." he explained "And everyone knows that a threat of the apocalypse is far less important than my personal relationships."

Interestingly enough, Jaina wasn't really all that angry about the refusal. It had been an act of pure optimism to expect a rational response from anyone in the first place. So she asked the other question on her mind. "Who exactly is it your getting married to, anyway?"

Before Thrall could answer, the tent flap opened and a Mag'thar woman who Jaina didn't recognize entered. "Go'el, what is this human doing-"

"Who the fuck are you, and why should I care?" asked Jaina bluntly, in no mood for more of this nonsense. "Failure to leave the tent, or justify your existence within thirty seconds will result in your immediate extermination from the Orcish gene pool."

There was a long, awkward silence, in which the Orc woman took a few steps back at Jaina's flat, uninterested gaze.

"...That would be my wife to be. Aggra." said Thrall after a moment.

Jaina smiled nervously. "Awkward." she looked back at the Orc woman. "Have you thought of a reason for me to not kill you for wasting my time yet? Because just being a love interest for Thrall does not automatically make valuable, or even tolerable. You actually have to **do something.**" she said to Aggra, who stared at her with an arrogant look that annoyed Jaina quite a bit.

"Your a fool if you think that my Go'el would allow such harm to come to-" began Aggra, but she never finished.

"TIMES UP!" screamed Jaina cheerfully "I'm going to set you both on fire now! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

And then she did.

...

When Jaina Proudmoore regained her sanity, she suddenly realized that she had given up on her homeworld. She hated to admit it, but Arthas had been more or less spot on in how he viewed the other factions, and she teleported back to Theramore with her her head hung low.

"Ah, Jaina!" called Arthas from across the street. "I figured you'd be a while long. So, how did your plan to save the world go?"

She looked up at his rather smug expression. "Shut up, Arthas."

"That bad?"

"Yup." she said "Azeroth can go to hell and burn for all I care. Let's go."

"As you wish, milady." replied Arthas with an exaggerated bow, before raising one hand to teleport them away.

**End Chapter Three**

**Authors note: **You know, I wrote most of this chapter in less than twelve hours. Odd how these things work out.

I wasn't really sure which era to place Starcraft at, but I eventually decided upon Starcraft 1, because I just like it better. Not that Starcraft 2 isn't great, in mind that I may edit this later.

Please review.

**Authors Edit 3/25/2013:** Edited the chapter to make it flow better, and change a bit of dialogue. A few scenes were slightly changed as well.


	4. The Burning of Azeroth

**Chapter Four:**

"You want me to do what?" said Lor'themar Theron incredulously as he looked at the hordes latest Warchief.

"Need I repeat myself." said Garrosh "I want you to launch the Mana Bomb at Theramore."

Silence for a moment.

"What the **hell **is a Mana Bomb." said Lorthemarn in a annoyed tone.

"The thing I told you guys to make." said Garrosh smugly "A massive weapon capable of destroying an entire island. I placed the order for it weeks ago."

"Well that explains it then." said Lor'themar "Because we stopped listening to your requests years ago." This was entirely true. Garrosh had been known for being a hands on kind of warchief when it came to magical R&D, which was rather unfortunate, considering the fact that he had no conception of how magic **actually worked.**

"Foolish elf!" said Garrosh "You should have completed it by now! How can you not have finished one in the few weeks since I sent you the letter!"

"…What part of I've been ignoring you don't you comprehend." said Lor'themar "Seriously man, I've got enough problems with people who want **Sylvanas Windrunner **to take over as leader of the Blood elves, I don't have time to listen to your opinions on how I operate."

"It's not idiotic! It is brilliant!" screamed the Orc in outrage.

"It's not **possible**. The very idea of a magical WMD is absurd." said Lor'themar bluntly. "If I **could **create a weapon of mass destruction capable of level an entire islands, why the hell would I be targeting Theramore of all places. It's a neutral country!"

"Well then we should use it on Stormwind." said the Warchief with resolve.

"That's an even dumber idea!" said Lor'themar in horror "Varian Wrynns stupidity is the only reason we're winning this war in the first place! If I destroyed Stormwind, then who be the counter weight to **you!**"

"…So you agree about blowing up Theramore?"

"No I don't!" replied the steward of the blood elves "If I had a weapon of mass destruction I would use it against the Lich King! Or Deathwing! Or one of the numerous other Eldritch abominations who routinely attack our world! Why the hell would want to attack fucking Theramore,!"

"Because it's part of the Alliance, obviously." said Garrosh. "But now because of your incompetence we no longer have access to WMD's, while the Alliance may be developing them even as we speak."

"We **never had **access to WMD's!" yelled Lor'themar in frustration "And neither does the ALLIANCE! Even Varian wouldn't be stupid enough to invest in such a complete and total waste of time and money."

...

"Dad, I think is a complete and total waste of time and money." said Anduin Wrynn to his father "Even the gnomes think the idea of a Mana Bomb is just stupid."

"Yes." said Varian "But it just might be crazy enough to work."

"…Or crazy enough to waste even more of the treasury for nothing." pointed out Anduin.

"That is a possibility, son." admitted Varian standing from his throne "But seeing as the world is about to end, I think it's worth the chance of final victory over those Horde scum."

"What are you talking about! We should be focusing on trying to stop the imminent doom of our entire world." said Anduin in frustration. "Not wasting money on **more **pointless doomsday devices!"

"That depends on your priorities." replied Varian "And my priority has always been to destroy the Horde."

"…But we're all going to die if we don't do something." pointed out Anduin desperately. "What good is victory if everyone is dead?!"

Varian laughed goodnaturedly "Son, if I didn't care enough about my people to temporarily create a truce when facing Yogg Saron, do you really think I'd give a damn about them when I'm this close to killing the entire Horde."

But... I mean… AHHH" yelled Anduin, trying to find words. "We're losing this war! All we've done is waste countless lives defending Gilenas! A nation whose only accomplishment in world history is being even bigger dicks than Alterac, and Alterac BETRAYED US TO THE HORDE!"

"And Gilneas is fighting the Horde. So we should help them." said Varian as if it explained everything.

"They have no strategic importance! They are on a fucking peninsula, attacking Gilneas was a complete waste of the Hordes resources, so why the hell are we bothering to defend those sons of a bitches! Why can't you just THINK about these things for once!"

"I'm King" replied Varian "I can do whatever I want."

"BULLSHIT!" yelled Anduin "Being King isn't about personal grudges and heroic battles! It's about ensuring your peoples place in the future! And ever decision you've since you became King has led us from bad to worse! And for what! Your childish grudge against the assassin who stabbed Grandfather to death from behind! And to top things off she wasn't even a full Orc!"

"Well, any decisions I make which cause problems are not my fault." said Varian "After all, the Lo'gash part of my personality is causing me mental stress."

"Shut up!" said Anduin at his wits "That excuse is bullshit and you know it! If you actually had split personalities, then you **shouldn't have become King in the first place!** How can you possibly hope to rule an entire nation if you can't even rule yourself! The people of Stormwind have suffered from a prison riot for **seven years!** All because you couldn't be bothered to put it down! The treasure is empty because you've wasted it all on stupid projects like looking for Pandaria, and any faith people had in your capacity to be a competent ruler evaporated **years ago!** How dare you claim to represent the people, even as you utterly disregard their well being!"

"Fuck the people!" yelled Varian in anger "I'm King! I can do whatever I want! I will destroy the Horde, and if I have to sacrifice every human in existence, I'll do it! And there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop me, you pathetic brat."

"I can do this." snarled Anduin, before pulling out a pistol shooting Varian through the head with one perfectly aimed point blank shot. The King of Stormwinds body fell to the ground with a thump, even as the guards rushed in.

"We heard gunshots." said one excitedly.

"Did it come from a gun?" asked another, prompting Anduin to give him a long, flat look. "Okay, stupid question, I'll admit." the guard said, before he saw the corpse. A moment of terrible silence engulfed the room.

"Wow, looks like our Varian Wrynn is dead is dead." said one in a casual tone.

"How tragic." said the other stoicly. "I suppose that Prince Anduin shall be taking over for him." There was a pause afterwards. "So, shall we arrange the funeral rights, or-"

"Are you fucking kidding me!" said Anduin increduloualy "We're bankrupt because of this asshole! I'm not spending the money for his funeral! Toss him in ditch, and say that he got eaten by a space whale! Fuck this guy! Even Onyxia was a better ruler, and she was trying to **weaken us!**"

He started to march off to make arrangements for the succession. "And will someone tell the fleets to stop searching for Pandaria! It's a total waste of manpower, that serves no purpose whatsoever."

…...

"_Aldaris!"_ said Tassadar _"All my ships are in position!"_

"_Begin the bombardment, Executor." _said Aldaris stoicly _"Wipe this pathetic planet from the face of the Galaxy!"_

…...

"Warchief Hellscream!" yelled one of the Orcish warriors as he rushed up behind his commander. "The entire world is about to end!"

"Excellent!" said Hellscream, missing the point completely. "Thus the Horde will triumph over the Alliance."

"…You do realize that we will all be dead. Right?" said Lorthemar, raising an eyebrow.

"Nonsense! The Horde will triumph over all-"

And then the world was bathed in fire, and light.

…...

Judicator Aldaris looked down at the burning world with something akin to indifference, even as blue beams of light, shot from the carriers penetrated deep into the crust, cutting long lines across the continents. _"Hmph."_ he said psychically _"These ships do good work, but I expect that the mother ships of old would put them to shame. No offense meant, Executor."_

"_None taken."_ said Tassadar ruefully. _"But it is a shame that this became necessary in the first place."_

"_Hardly."_ said Aldaris. _"These creatures were too dangerous to allow to live."_

"_Yeah, that wasn't what I mean when I said-"_

"_Executor!"_ called one of the Protoss _"We're detecting a massive energy surge! It appears that several extremely powerful creatures are coming out of Azeroth's crust."_

Suddenly a horrifying presence was felt in the minds of the Protoss, as the Old Gods rose from the crust of the planet, their horrible visage terrifying all who looked upon them. **"_Pathetic mortals!"_ **came their countless voices **_"At long last we are free, and now no one can stop us from wreaking havoc across the stars! All shall fall before the might of the-"_**

And then the Old Gods stopped talking, because the Protoss opened fire on them full force, their beams of light obliterating the eldritch horrors from existence almost instantly. As it turns out making a Protoss afraid is rather like making a Protoss angry. It's extremely difficult, and likely to get you killed."

"_Well, that was simplistic."_ commented Aldaris, the fear effect lifitng _"Now let us depart, before-"_

"_Sir, we're picking up another energy spike."_ said the same Protoss warrior.

"_Oh for the love of…"_ began Tassadar, before he was cut off by yet another creature of darkness.

"_We are the __**SHA!" **_Came the voice from down below. _"And we embody hatred, doubt and all manner of other negative emotions. There is nothing that you can-"_

"_I care little for your pathetic conceptions of your own superiority."_ said Aldaris confidently _"We are the Protoss, and our power is beyond your own pathetic scope. In the name of the Conclave, I shall burn you to cinder, and send your unholy carcass screaming back to the black void that spawned you. Fire!_"

He pressed a button on the command console and the Protoss fleet opened fire on the Sha on the surface of the planet, obliterating them from existence. The resulting bombardment destroyed Pandaria, along with all remaining life upon the surface.

…...

Somewhere, in an entirely different universe, an Anthropomorphic Panda was broken out of daydreams of martial arts, by the sudden sense that he had just narrowly avoided being plagiarized.

…...

Unbeknownst to the Protoss, another ship was out of their censor range. It was invisible right now, but had you been able to see it, it would gave been angular, with several spikes on it, and

Jaina Proudmoore looked down from the bridge of Arthas' space ship, her eyes gazing down at the planet which had been her home for her entire life, and watched it burn.

She should have been weeping. She should have been feeling sad about the deaths of countless potential innocents.

And yet all she could think was this:

"_I will never have to deal with those idiots ever again."_

It was as if that one thought turned any and all grief that she might have felt into pure undiluted joy. She wanted to shout in triumph as all those _**morons **_who never once listened to here got what they deserved.

She smiled and turned to Arthas, who had watched the world burn with her. "You know, I never knew just how therapeutic the horrified screams of those I despise can be." she commented.

"I know, right." said Arthas "And this is when you didn't even have anything to do with it. There are few things more satifying then watching a city burn when you did it yourself."

Jaina paused, and reminded herself that genocide was bad. "…Uh, can we put off going omnicidal on the universe untill we get really, really, bored. It just seems like something which limits our options."

"Eh, if you want." said Arthas with a shrug "You'll have to run it by Illidan and the others, though."

"Illidan's here." said Jaina in surprise "I thought he was dead."

"Alliance propaganda." said Arthas with a shrug.

Jaina laughed, despite herself.

Things were looking up.

…...

**Authors Note:**

So yeah, sorry about the late chapter, this one was really hard to write for some reason.

I may edit it later, but for now, enjoy.

Oh, and about Aldaris, I guess I figured I'd portray him as someone who loves the kill it with fire approach to things. With Anduin I know he was out of character. I just didn't care and wanted to see Varian get shot.

Not sure when the next chapter will be up.


	5. Into the Void

**The Lich Kings Guide to the Universe:**

**Chapter Five:**

The Bridge of the Battleship _Invincible _was a dark circular room, with a collection of comfortable seats, each with a console of some sort directly in front of it. The lights were tinted red, giving everything within a vague villainous appearance. At the very front of the room, opposite to the door, there was a large view screen, which Jaina was currently busy looking through.

The destroyed remnants of Azeroth lay before her, only ruins and dust where once there had been life. She knew without sensing that all life upon the world had been extinguished. There was something truly humbling about looking upon such a world.

"So, your taking this better than I expected." said Arthas, pressing a few buttons on the console before the screen.

Suddenly it hit her. Everyone she had ever known except Arthas, and a few others was dead. Obliterated upon the surface of a dead world. It hadn't sunk in until now, and suddenly she realized the full extant of what it meant. No more Varian, and his constant idiocy. Nor more Thrall, with his hypocritical druidic nonsense. No more Malfurion with his constant hypocrisy. They were all gone, consumed in a torrent of blue fire that had wiped clean the whole of the world she had grown up on.

Her shoulders began to tremble suddenly, and a low sound came from her mouth. "Their... their all dead..."

"Jaina, you alright?" asked Arthas in concern.

And then it came full forth, not sobbing, but mad chuckling. "THEIR ALL DEAD! AHAHAHAHAHA!" screams of manic laughter came from her as tears of joy fell down her cheeks. "'Oh Jaina! Your a naive mewling pacifist! Why should we listen to you?'" she said in a mocking immitation of Varian's voice. "Well looks whose laughing now you pathetic morons! Oh sure everything I worked for the past few years was for absolutely nothing! But you know what! **I don't care! Because I'm alive, and your all dead! And now I never have to deal with you morons again! GIVE MY REGARDS TO HELL YOU SONS OF BITCHES! AHAHAHAHAHA!" **

There was a brief pause, as Jaina took several deep breaths.

"...Is she always like this?" came a gravelly voice behind her. Jaina turned round to see a tall nightelf with dark violet skin. On his head were two great demon horns, while great bat wings sprung from his back. Two massive double bladed warglaves were strapped to his back, and his eyes were covered with a black blindfold, though she could see what seemed like two orbs of green fire behind the dark cloth.

"No Illidan." said Arthas "But she's spent the last few years dealing with Varian Wrynn, so I expect she is working off some stress."

"I do not know who this Varian Wrynn is." said the one called Illidan "But he sounds disappointing."

"You have good insticts." said Jaina dryly "Tell me, would you be the legendary Illidan Stormrage, who brought magic back into the world."

"Indeed." said Illidan "I take it that you have heard of me."

"Well yes." said Jaina "I read a few history texts, and concluded that you are possibly the first, and only, competant Nightelf in existance. I mean, Tyrande killed more humans and Orcs during the Third War then she did Ghouls, and Malfurion Stormrage's incompetance needs no introduction."

"Quite." said Illidan. "I take it that you are Arthas' former lover, Jaina Proudmoore then."

Jaina turned to see a tall nightelf walking through the main doors. He had two great horns, and huge bat wings, his skin was violet, and he carried two massive glaives on his back.

"Greeting to you." said the half demon. "I take it you are Jaina Proudmoore."

"I am." said Jaina "but if you don't mind me asking, did you survive your encounter with Akama."

"I tore him to shreads with ease, before personally feeding his ungrateful carcass to my Hellhounds." replied Illidan with a shrug. "It was quite easy, actually, he wasn't prepared in the slightest for our confrontation."

"...Uh huh." she said "Still, how did you guys manage to build this thing."

"With a lot of effort." shrugged Arthas, as he moved over the central seat and began typing in a number of codes. "Most of the Materials, of course, came from the Twisting Nether, as there aren't any natural resources strong enough to withstand the kind of magical we routinely throw into this thing. The _Invincible _was designed to be impregnable to almost anything, and even if it gets damaged, it's designed to self repair over time, creating new materials from the Twisting Nether."

"...Mmmhmm." said Jaina thoughfully "I was under the impression that creating physical matter within the Nether was an incredibly risky, and dangerous process. How did you manage it, anyway."

Arthas shrugged in indifferance "Lots of practice, mortals who try it tend to come down with minor cases of psychotic insanity, of course, but I'm the Lich King, which means that I can do so with little risk. With Illidan's help, I was able to create more than enough for our use, and it got easier with practice."

"Still..." she said "This ship is practically buzzing with magic. It must have taken an enourmous amount of power to enchant it."

"Fortunately for us we have the last two members of the Dalaran Six on our side." said Arthas, somewhat smugly. "It's rather a difficult job, but between us we managed it somehow."

"Rhonin's on this ship?" she asked. "Please tell me you didn't let Valeria Windrunner on here."

"What? No! Of course not!" said Arthas "I have a reputation to uphold, and I can't very well stoop to working with idiots like that."

"And anyway, I killed Rhonin a few weeks ago." said Illidan nonchalantly.

"What?!" said Jaina in horror "Why!"

"Because he was going around claiming to have taught me magic in the past." replied Illidan "I gave him my opinion on such claims by ripping out his skull and beating him to death with it."

"Oh, okay." said Jaina glancing downwards, before raising an eyebrow and turning back to Illidan "Wait a minute. You beat him to death with his own skull? I'm no expert on human biology but that doesn't seem physically possible."

"That's exactly what Rhonin kept screaming." muttered Illidan.

"Illidan! I'm disappointed in you." said Arthas.

"Oh what?" said Illidan facing Arthas down "Like you care if I kill some mage you don't even know."

"What? No!" said Arthas "Nothing like that! It's just that if you rip off his skull I can't bring him back as an unholy abombinations. I mean you could have at **least** saved the skull itself. That way we could have used it to gain extra magical powers. I mean, talk about wasteful man!"

Jaina was beginning to remember why she and Arthas had broken up the first place. "Do you think we could change the subject." she asked lightly.

"I agree with her." said Illidan in annoyance. "And anyway, at least I don't go around deleting people I don't like from the timeline."

"Deleting people from the what now?" said Jaina in deadpan.

Arthas glanced at here. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that. See after we scrapped the caverns of time for spare parts. I used them to prevent Kalecgos from ever existing in the first place."

Jaina looked at him in confusion. "Who is this Kalecgos person you speak of? I've never even heard of him."

"Exactly." said Arthas, sounding just a bit smug, before glancing over at Illidan. "Though you have to admit, Med'an really did deserve what we did to him."

Illidan grunted "Yes, I suppose you are correct in that case. That was one being who the space time continuum will not be missing."

"What is it with you people mentioning names I don't know!?" said Jaina in frustation.

"Sorry Jaina." said Arthas "One could say that we have a **knaak **for dealing with people that should not exist."

Illidan burst out with cruel laughter, before gaining control of himself as he saw Jaina's look of confusion.

"My apologies." said Illidan, coughing "It's a private joke."

"Moving on." said Jaina, now slightly annoyed "Who else is on this ship. I assume that Kel'thuzad is involved, seeing as he's Arthas' closest associate. However, I'm noticing four seperate power signatures in these threads of magic." she paused "I assume that reports of Kael'thas' death were greatly exaggerated."

"You would correct." said Illidan, looking rather impressed despite himself. "Though I do not believe that you'll be able to figure out the last one."

"Yes, that one did give me some trouble, I will admit." said Jaina "I certainly have never met the person in question. But I have fought enough Naga to know when I'm sensing one, I'm going the guess that the last one is the Lady Vashj since she is well documented as one of your loyal subordinates."

There was a moment of stunned silence, as Arthas and Illidan looked at her in surprise. Arthas smirked and turned to him. "See Illidan. I told you she was qualified."

"I confess I was not expecting someone quite so skilled." admitted Illidan.

"Now then, I have a few questions." said Jaina in a serious tone "What's this about scrapping the Caverns of Time for spare parts. That sounds like something rather important."

"Oh, that." said Illidan "We realized that we couldn't actually create a prepulsion system fast enough to get us to other worlds before the Protoss arrived. So I came up with the idea to adapt the caverns of time into a reality warper that we could use instead." he glared at Arthas "At least that was the theory. Evidently **someone **decided to use it prevent the hypotenuse from ever existing."

"Hey!" said Arthas "Your the one who wasted the entire Bronze Dragon Flight when they tried to stop you!"

"What!" said Jaina. "But... I thought the Bronze Dragon Flight's leader could effectively reset the timeline until he won. How the hell did you beat all of them."

"I have no idea." answered Illidan, sounding rather annoyed "Nozdormu kept on resetting time. So I can honestly say that I am not entirely sure how I managed it. I even went to the trouble of looking up the logs on Illidan Vs Bronze Dragon flight. Apparently Nozdormu decided to be a dick about it, and had all all the files deleted, before going off to have lunch."

It was around this point that a chime was heard from a nearby console. Illidan approached it, and pressed a button. "Yes, what is it."

"Lord Illidan, we're ready to head out." came the voice of Kael'thas Sunstrider. "We can leave whenever your ready."

"Excellent work Kael. Standby for orders." said Illidan before turning off the com and glancing at Arthas "It's time to go Arthas. Do you have any preferance on where to?"

"I'm thinking we should head over to the Protoss' planet." said Arthas sitting down in the Captains chair "Do we have any data on their Homeworld."

"Regrettably no." replied Illidan as he gazed over a computer screen "But I do know their general location. It's in a place called the Koprolu sector. Apparently they aren't the only sentient creatures there. Shall we set course for it."

"Excellent idea." said Arthas before glancing over at Illidan "Take us out, Mr Stormrage."

"Don't call me that." said Illidan, but he complied anyway.

...

Had anyone looked from afar at the planet Azeroth, they would have seem an angular black ship suddenly appear before them, before shooting forward into the endless night that is the Great Dark Beyond. They would have seen the ship pick up speed, and then fade from view in a sudden blur.

Yet had they watched a little longer, they would have seen a small probe emerge from the darkness, and transmit data to masters unknown.

...

**End Chapter Four**

...

**Authors note:** Well, here we are, chapter four. I apologize for the wait, this fanfic. Please note that I will probably go over this chapter again, and fix some stuff. I just wanted to get this out there.

One seperate note, I have rather important announcement, and that is that I will be moving this fic to the crossovers section next Chapter. I have not done so until now because the action had mostly taken place on Azeroth. Now that we are heading into the Starcraft section, I have to change it sooner or later.

So yeah, that's about it.

P.S: Can anyone find the pop culture referance.

Authors note 2: I made a few edits to chapter four. Only one minor story change.


End file.
